When life hands you a less than desirable curve ball...
What to do when you discover your child has been lying to you:
1. Get pissed.
2. Cry (discreetly)... because you're that pissed.
3. Focus all energy into not traumatizing child while you try to compose yourself and do the parent thing.
3.5 Try to rationalize why they might have felt it necessary to lie to you.
4. Cry again... when the child's still not looking obviously. Unless you're going for the guilt angle then in the immortal words of Johnny Cash you cry cry cry.
5. Get pissed again.
5.5 Have a small glass of wine. (Optional... but it sure helps, make it a small one, you're killing precious time here.)
6. Talk to them about it. (It's handy to start out with, I'm not sure what your punishment for this will be yet but there will be one, because if you're anything like me, by the time you're done talking there will be laughing and it's very possible the child thinks they're getting off scott free. Negative. Unless you're down with a pretty little liar. Because I've tried the no punishment talking only I'm trusting you you're my girl don't ever do this again route and... well... clearly that didn't work. Real head scratcher as to why I'm sure. .... Oh unless you're better at punishments than I am and already have one handy in which case lead with that.)
These steps are not super unlike the stages of grief and loss you'll notice. Purely coincidental.
Let me preface (I realize I already started so this isn't exactly a preface) by saying, the following will contain my own personal sensitive type opinion about spanking your kid. I realize some people don't favor it, and that is 100% you're choice. We are all different at our style of parenting, and if it's going to bother you, don't read it. If you read it anyway and get offended even though I *just* warned you (meaning you're not a very good listener)... don't send me bitchy e-mails or comments about how horrible you think I am, our ideas are just different and there's nothing wrong with that.
Spoiler Alert - I did not spank her for this, her punishment was something else entirely.
So here's the thing. It's not that I'm one of those "don't spank your kid it'll ruin them" advocates, I'm absolutely pro-buttwhippin, I got spanked as a child when I got in trouble and I neither hate my parents nor have post traumatic childhood memories. The kid gets popped her fair share of times for infractions deserving of such things (put your fingers in a 'flicking' position near her and watch her cower, it's the go-to for talking back and not listening) It's just that... I don't opt for it to be my first method of justice. It's effective yes, but I remember times when I was younger and getting the old ass-whooping and in my tiny naive head thinking... is this really necessary? All I did was lead my brother and co. in a parade of furniture hopping while pretending the ground was lava while my parents were entrusting us to act like responsible juveniles (oxymoron?) while they stepped out for a moment. So I mean yeah.... probably deserving, because it's not like I had money to replace the stuff we broke in the process, but that's a realization that dawned on me years later... it's just an example of my thoughts that, while effective for making sure the kid knows they done fucked up and they should probably not do it again, not always effective at making them understand why and how... now if it's a multiple infraction type of case and not a first offense, meaning, they knew better... that's spanking time ladies and gentlemen, you are now being taken advantage of. The first step is admitting it.
So the back story here, if you haven't picked up on it yet, is that my daughter lied to me. Nothing super duper serious that will compromise national security or anything like that, but it affected the hell out of my heart. I debated writing about it at all honestly, but... I like writing, it's the one form of therapy that I actually embrace, plus... I know I'm not the only one who's been here. You don't need to know what she lied about but you do need to know... that this is the 2nd time in the past couple months that she has lied to me about something serious enough to cause an issue.
Fact: Kids lie. A lot. And like, all the time. "Did you brush you're teeth?" "Yes!", a bone dry not been touched all day toothbrush awaits your discovery in the bathroom. "Did you pick up you're room like I asked?" "Yes!", a room with maybe one book put back where it's supposed to go awaits a fate similar to the toothbrush. Clatter from a room that should contain a sleeping child, you investigate, a child lays in bed clearly using every force in their little body to make it look like they've been asleep for hours... or if you're like me, you simply holler "you ARE sleeping in there right?" and they holler back "yes mommy!" and you face-palm and try to decide if it's even worth it to say anything. After telling them no snacks and finding them chowing down on one anyway, "Didn't I say no snacks? Where did you get a rice krispie treat?" "I found it, I thought you wanted me to have it." "...." Undeniable fact, kids are little liars, and always about the darndest things. But what do you do when they start lying about stuff you actually care about? I knew it would happen some day. I did not expect it to happen at 6. Especially considering the overwhelming amount of things she feels the need to unnecessarily speak the truth about. To strangers even. She's so helpful. I love when she blurts out embarrassing little truths in front of people I don't or barely know and then they tell me what a delight she is. Shhheeee suuureee isss.
So, this little whirlygig of fun is going down in the kitchen because my first maneuver as mom of the year when the lie first came out was the very mature response of leaving the room to go downstairs and pretend laundry was pressing as hell right that moment. Really I just sat down there staring at the wall for a few minutes trying to figure out what made this so upsetting. I guess it was because she's my girl. My first child, you know, the practice one haha, no but really, me and her have been through a lot of stuff already for her being so little. Our lives have stabilized and improved immensely since I finally settled down (4 years and counting :) ) but all along I've always had a very me and her against the world type bond with her and I thought it was mutual, so I guess I felt betrayed. Betrayed by a 6 year old. Sounds silly doesn't it? I mean she's a kid, a young little person, she doesn't have a malicious bone in her body, but I couldn't shake it, I was wounded. So taking my melodrama aside, the big thing here is, she's at school now. From 7 a.m. when I put her on the bus till 4 p.m. when she hops back off the bus I have no control over or idea about what she's doing. So I convince myself I've raised her right and I have nothing to fear and she is, of course, being the angel she so loves being for everyone when I'm not around. And then I found out that this is true, with one minor detail... she gets off the bus every day and I ask her the same question every day and she's been lying to me as her answer. Every day. Sigh. Bothersome. I figured it out quite some time ago honestly and I just kept thinking, she'll tell me. Of course she'll tell me. And then as the weeks passed I had to admit to myself... she's not gonna tell me. Sigh. So I had to bait her, which I myself found quite clever, and effective, because it worked, but right untill the minute the words came out of her mouth I guess I kept hoping I was wrong. So now I have to decide what to do. Do I let it go with a don't ever lie to me again warning? Well she sort of already had one of those... visit back to the post about the UTI she recently got when I found she'd been lying to me about having accidents because she thought I'd be upset. And we had this big heartfelt talk about how she doesn't need to lie to me or hide things from me ever. (wishful thinking I realize, the child will be a teenager some day. And then she'll go to the nunery.) Sooo... I couldn't really do that again because I'd already tried that once. I probably could have just spanked her and called it a day and we all could have moved on, but I was looking for something that made a tad more of an impression. Something that we could call back on and she'd go, "oh yeah I definitely don't want that to happen again." Because, well, I don't want this to happen again. What does she love? What would she miss? Well hell she spends all her time in front of the t.v. it's hard to tell what she really likes outside of that... DING. lightbulb. So she lost screens for a whole week (well 6 days). There was an option to have it end early if she was being very good, or have it extended on a day by day basis for bad behavior. And while it definitely didn't end early, she didn't gain any more days either. In fact on the last day of her "grounding" she brought home a message from the teacher saying she was the secret student of the day because she was behaving so well all day long. Go team her, she can be taught. So for 6 whole days the kid got not TV, no phones to play on, no tablets to mess with, no computers to look at... nada. And it made an interesting impact on the rest of the family too I couldn't help but notice. With her not being able to watch t.v.our normal routines were thrown off a tad because I felt guilty continually sending her to her room (which was still messy then but is now cleaned and includes Connor's crib... but that's a whole 'nuther post) so we started finding other things to do that didn't include phones or tvs and you know what.... it was nice. One night after dinner, we sat at the table for awhile and played cards (we taught her how to play rummy) it was just nice doing something that didn't have us staring at the tv in zombie mode. I noticed the other day when I was talking to my dad that I have way to vested an interest in some of the characters on the shows I watch. It's creepy. They're not real I shouldn't care this much, even if Damon is super awesome and Elena is super retarded for having her memories erased and oh em gee I'm so happy Hayley finally got to hold her baby and quit being bitchy for a minute holy crap her and Elijah finally hooked up that took forever!!..... Oh Wait... I care this much because I never leave the house anymore #yaystayathomemomlife and I live vicariously through my tv. Sigh.
This whole thing got way off topic. What was I rambling about? Certainly not about cheering on the fictional sex life of a make believe person.... lying! yes yes.
So we will see where this whole thing goes but I can tell you I looked my kid in the eyes last night and asked her a question she would normally lie to me about and I just wouldn't care because it's one of those toothbrush type lies, and I'll be damned if she didn't pause for a second and then actually tell me the truth. Guess she doesn't want to lose her beloved Ever After High again.
1. Get pissed.
2. Cry (discreetly)... because you're that pissed.
3. Focus all energy into not traumatizing child while you try to compose yourself and do the parent thing.
3.5 Try to rationalize why they might have felt it necessary to lie to you.
4. Cry again... when the child's still not looking obviously. Unless you're going for the guilt angle then in the immortal words of Johnny Cash you cry cry cry.
5. Get pissed again.
5.5 Have a small glass of wine. (Optional... but it sure helps, make it a small one, you're killing precious time here.)
6. Talk to them about it. (It's handy to start out with, I'm not sure what your punishment for this will be yet but there will be one, because if you're anything like me, by the time you're done talking there will be laughing and it's very possible the child thinks they're getting off scott free. Negative. Unless you're down with a pretty little liar. Because I've tried the no punishment talking only I'm trusting you you're my girl don't ever do this again route and... well... clearly that didn't work. Real head scratcher as to why I'm sure. .... Oh unless you're better at punishments than I am and already have one handy in which case lead with that.)
These steps are not super unlike the stages of grief and loss you'll notice. Purely coincidental.
Let me preface (I realize I already started so this isn't exactly a preface) by saying, the following will contain my own personal sensitive type opinion about spanking your kid. I realize some people don't favor it, and that is 100% you're choice. We are all different at our style of parenting, and if it's going to bother you, don't read it. If you read it anyway and get offended even though I *just* warned you (meaning you're not a very good listener)... don't send me bitchy e-mails or comments about how horrible you think I am, our ideas are just different and there's nothing wrong with that.
Spoiler Alert - I did not spank her for this, her punishment was something else entirely.
So here's the thing. It's not that I'm one of those "don't spank your kid it'll ruin them" advocates, I'm absolutely pro-buttwhippin, I got spanked as a child when I got in trouble and I neither hate my parents nor have post traumatic childhood memories. The kid gets popped her fair share of times for infractions deserving of such things (put your fingers in a 'flicking' position near her and watch her cower, it's the go-to for talking back and not listening) It's just that... I don't opt for it to be my first method of justice. It's effective yes, but I remember times when I was younger and getting the old ass-whooping and in my tiny naive head thinking... is this really necessary? All I did was lead my brother and co. in a parade of furniture hopping while pretending the ground was lava while my parents were entrusting us to act like responsible juveniles (oxymoron?) while they stepped out for a moment. So I mean yeah.... probably deserving, because it's not like I had money to replace the stuff we broke in the process, but that's a realization that dawned on me years later... it's just an example of my thoughts that, while effective for making sure the kid knows they done fucked up and they should probably not do it again, not always effective at making them understand why and how... now if it's a multiple infraction type of case and not a first offense, meaning, they knew better... that's spanking time ladies and gentlemen, you are now being taken advantage of. The first step is admitting it.
So the back story here, if you haven't picked up on it yet, is that my daughter lied to me. Nothing super duper serious that will compromise national security or anything like that, but it affected the hell out of my heart. I debated writing about it at all honestly, but... I like writing, it's the one form of therapy that I actually embrace, plus... I know I'm not the only one who's been here. You don't need to know what she lied about but you do need to know... that this is the 2nd time in the past couple months that she has lied to me about something serious enough to cause an issue.
Fact: Kids lie. A lot. And like, all the time. "Did you brush you're teeth?" "Yes!", a bone dry not been touched all day toothbrush awaits your discovery in the bathroom. "Did you pick up you're room like I asked?" "Yes!", a room with maybe one book put back where it's supposed to go awaits a fate similar to the toothbrush. Clatter from a room that should contain a sleeping child, you investigate, a child lays in bed clearly using every force in their little body to make it look like they've been asleep for hours... or if you're like me, you simply holler "you ARE sleeping in there right?" and they holler back "yes mommy!" and you face-palm and try to decide if it's even worth it to say anything. After telling them no snacks and finding them chowing down on one anyway, "Didn't I say no snacks? Where did you get a rice krispie treat?" "I found it, I thought you wanted me to have it." "...." Undeniable fact, kids are little liars, and always about the darndest things. But what do you do when they start lying about stuff you actually care about? I knew it would happen some day. I did not expect it to happen at 6. Especially considering the overwhelming amount of things she feels the need to unnecessarily speak the truth about. To strangers even. She's so helpful. I love when she blurts out embarrassing little truths in front of people I don't or barely know and then they tell me what a delight she is. Shhheeee suuureee isss.
So, this little whirlygig of fun is going down in the kitchen because my first maneuver as mom of the year when the lie first came out was the very mature response of leaving the room to go downstairs and pretend laundry was pressing as hell right that moment. Really I just sat down there staring at the wall for a few minutes trying to figure out what made this so upsetting. I guess it was because she's my girl. My first child, you know, the practice one haha, no but really, me and her have been through a lot of stuff already for her being so little. Our lives have stabilized and improved immensely since I finally settled down (4 years and counting :) ) but all along I've always had a very me and her against the world type bond with her and I thought it was mutual, so I guess I felt betrayed. Betrayed by a 6 year old. Sounds silly doesn't it? I mean she's a kid, a young little person, she doesn't have a malicious bone in her body, but I couldn't shake it, I was wounded. So taking my melodrama aside, the big thing here is, she's at school now. From 7 a.m. when I put her on the bus till 4 p.m. when she hops back off the bus I have no control over or idea about what she's doing. So I convince myself I've raised her right and I have nothing to fear and she is, of course, being the angel she so loves being for everyone when I'm not around. And then I found out that this is true, with one minor detail... she gets off the bus every day and I ask her the same question every day and she's been lying to me as her answer. Every day. Sigh. Bothersome. I figured it out quite some time ago honestly and I just kept thinking, she'll tell me. Of course she'll tell me. And then as the weeks passed I had to admit to myself... she's not gonna tell me. Sigh. So I had to bait her, which I myself found quite clever, and effective, because it worked, but right untill the minute the words came out of her mouth I guess I kept hoping I was wrong. So now I have to decide what to do. Do I let it go with a don't ever lie to me again warning? Well she sort of already had one of those... visit back to the post about the UTI she recently got when I found she'd been lying to me about having accidents because she thought I'd be upset. And we had this big heartfelt talk about how she doesn't need to lie to me or hide things from me ever. (wishful thinking I realize, the child will be a teenager some day. And then she'll go to the nunery.) Sooo... I couldn't really do that again because I'd already tried that once. I probably could have just spanked her and called it a day and we all could have moved on, but I was looking for something that made a tad more of an impression. Something that we could call back on and she'd go, "oh yeah I definitely don't want that to happen again." Because, well, I don't want this to happen again. What does she love? What would she miss? Well hell she spends all her time in front of the t.v. it's hard to tell what she really likes outside of that... DING. lightbulb. So she lost screens for a whole week (well 6 days). There was an option to have it end early if she was being very good, or have it extended on a day by day basis for bad behavior. And while it definitely didn't end early, she didn't gain any more days either. In fact on the last day of her "grounding" she brought home a message from the teacher saying she was the secret student of the day because she was behaving so well all day long. Go team her, she can be taught. So for 6 whole days the kid got not TV, no phones to play on, no tablets to mess with, no computers to look at... nada. And it made an interesting impact on the rest of the family too I couldn't help but notice. With her not being able to watch t.v.our normal routines were thrown off a tad because I felt guilty continually sending her to her room (which was still messy then but is now cleaned and includes Connor's crib... but that's a whole 'nuther post) so we started finding other things to do that didn't include phones or tvs and you know what.... it was nice. One night after dinner, we sat at the table for awhile and played cards (we taught her how to play rummy) it was just nice doing something that didn't have us staring at the tv in zombie mode. I noticed the other day when I was talking to my dad that I have way to vested an interest in some of the characters on the shows I watch. It's creepy. They're not real I shouldn't care this much, even if Damon is super awesome and Elena is super retarded for having her memories erased and oh em gee I'm so happy Hayley finally got to hold her baby and quit being bitchy for a minute holy crap her and Elijah finally hooked up that took forever!!..... Oh Wait... I care this much because I never leave the house anymore #yaystayathomemomlife and I live vicariously through my tv. Sigh.
This whole thing got way off topic. What was I rambling about? Certainly not about cheering on the fictional sex life of a make believe person.... lying! yes yes.
So we will see where this whole thing goes but I can tell you I looked my kid in the eyes last night and asked her a question she would normally lie to me about and I just wouldn't care because it's one of those toothbrush type lies, and I'll be damned if she didn't pause for a second and then actually tell me the truth. Guess she doesn't want to lose her beloved Ever After High again.
 |
| impossible to stay mad when your child is this cute. |