Why I have a little bit of a problem with the mom club lately
So here's the thing you guys, I have a lot of pride. Pride in who I am (which did not come naturally or over night but that's a story for a whole 'nuther blog. fo'real.), pride in the work I do, pride in my family, and pride in my home. So while at first I was rather amused by the blunt "open letters to ..." "29 things you should never..." "10 things everyone else should..." type posts that have become extremely popular as of late, especially on one of my long time favorite blogs scary mom I've found myself lately just rolling my eyes at most of them.
What once started out (so it seemed to me anyway) as an attempt to make other people understand somebody else's situation that they might not have understood without whatever particular insight the post was offering (you still with me? that was a mouthful even to write) has become more about rubbing it in other peoples faces, including other parents.
Whoever the VIP's in the mom club are, they must be a pretty elite little circle. You have to have had a certain amount of children (at least 3 I would imagine), brought them into this world a variety of ways, got the drugs, not gotten the drugs, experimented with both bottle and breast feeding, immunized and not immunized, used disposable diapers and cloth diapers, sleep trained using every method ever, made your own puree and bought the jar stuff, used baby carriers and strollers, potty trained this way this way and this way, educated or intentionally not educated your children on their sexual organs by age 4 (because every small child should know the words vulva and scrotum, that's not gonna make for any awkward situations at the grocery store at all).... I could go on but I think my point is there somewhere. And in case it wasn't and I just got caught up listing controversial things parents like to bicker with other parents about; my point is that none of us have done it all. None of us is an expert.
None of us is in a position to tell somebody else with authority "don't do that, do this." "10 things you should be doing and probably aren't" ... it's become less about bonding and being there for other moms, and more about shaming. That's just how it seems to me anyway, I mean I'm no great internet purveyor of all mom bloggery related things, but I don't think these passive aggressive lists and open letters comprised mostly of things that shame other parents for not doing things exactly the same way you are or believing the same things you do are really doing much to bring anyone together or make anyone more confident. Being a mom is hard enough in it's own right without feeling like there's an invisible list of standards you're constantly not meeting to be qualified as a certain type of mom. I can tell you there's probably a ton of lists I'm not ranking anywhere near the top on, but at the end of the day when it's all said and done - I am an awesome mom, even if I'm not doing it the way someone else thinks I should be. Put me at the top of that list - awesome mom. Boom - Number 1. At the very least number 2 depending on if we're out of moscato and oreos.
It seems like for every mom out there doing what she can, there's another one that's ready and waiting to tell her how she's not doing it right or how she could be better. For every mom formula feeding their child, there's another mom staring her down with her breast is best banner. For every mom trying to get the hang of having a baby attached to her nipple 97 hours a day, there's a formula/bottle mom making judgy put your boobs away eyes at her. For every parent pushing their kid and the suitcase that doubles as a diaper bag along in a stroller happily enjoying their walk through the park, there's another one nearby wearing their baby in a sling that just can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to have their baby touching them at all times. And for every proud baby wearing mom and dad out there taking selfies at the amusement park there's someone else rolling their eyes at them as they shuffle past with their stroller. I mean really what it comes down to is none of are going to have 100% of the same views on things as everyone else. We are all different, and we all parent different. Why can't we just celebrate that instead of condemn it? When did educating and empowering become tinged with judging and shaming? How about instead of making people feel bad, we go back to making people smile - and that includes everybody not just a specific target audience.
So here's my top 10 list for parents and non-parents - high fives all around if you already are doing these:
1. Quit judging other parents. We all come from different walks, have different ideals, and different situations.
2. If someone asks for advice, give it, but do it maturely and politely (and if possible humorously because everyone likes to laugh). It is not cool to down someone while "helping" them.
3. If you see a mom or dad having a hard time with their kids in public, keep your comments to yourself. They've got enough problems going on that minute without worrying about other adults being assholes too. Parents are in fact still allowed to go into the world and they can bring their kids with them, that's not reserved for the childless. Unless you're like at a bar or strip club- in which case pull that persons parenting card, they're fired. (I realize that last bit there slightly violates rule #1. But really. A bar? Extenuating circumstances aside - not okay.)
4. Don't compare your children, in numbers or qualifications. You having 4 kids does not make you more justified to be stressed than someone with 1 kid - we are all allowed to be stressed the hell out or blissfully happy together.
5. Be proud. But do it without being obnoxious.
6. Give more high fives. Give less judgy eyes.
7. Unless you're a medical professional and have training and schooling and actual education (not counting the web md research you did) on a topic - don't pretend to be an authority on medical problems. This goes back to #2 - if someone asks for advice give advice, but don't give instructions you're not qualified to give. We pay doctors hundreds of dollars to do that, might as well let them.
8. Be understanding.
9. Be nice.
10. Make people laugh. But not at someone else's expense. There's not enough laughing and smiling together these days. Let's bring that back - it can be the new duck face.
That's it guys, rant over. Have a beautiful day!
What once started out (so it seemed to me anyway) as an attempt to make other people understand somebody else's situation that they might not have understood without whatever particular insight the post was offering (you still with me? that was a mouthful even to write) has become more about rubbing it in other peoples faces, including other parents.
Whoever the VIP's in the mom club are, they must be a pretty elite little circle. You have to have had a certain amount of children (at least 3 I would imagine), brought them into this world a variety of ways, got the drugs, not gotten the drugs, experimented with both bottle and breast feeding, immunized and not immunized, used disposable diapers and cloth diapers, sleep trained using every method ever, made your own puree and bought the jar stuff, used baby carriers and strollers, potty trained this way this way and this way, educated or intentionally not educated your children on their sexual organs by age 4 (because every small child should know the words vulva and scrotum, that's not gonna make for any awkward situations at the grocery store at all).... I could go on but I think my point is there somewhere. And in case it wasn't and I just got caught up listing controversial things parents like to bicker with other parents about; my point is that none of us have done it all. None of us is an expert.
None of us is in a position to tell somebody else with authority "don't do that, do this." "10 things you should be doing and probably aren't" ... it's become less about bonding and being there for other moms, and more about shaming. That's just how it seems to me anyway, I mean I'm no great internet purveyor of all mom bloggery related things, but I don't think these passive aggressive lists and open letters comprised mostly of things that shame other parents for not doing things exactly the same way you are or believing the same things you do are really doing much to bring anyone together or make anyone more confident. Being a mom is hard enough in it's own right without feeling like there's an invisible list of standards you're constantly not meeting to be qualified as a certain type of mom. I can tell you there's probably a ton of lists I'm not ranking anywhere near the top on, but at the end of the day when it's all said and done - I am an awesome mom, even if I'm not doing it the way someone else thinks I should be. Put me at the top of that list - awesome mom. Boom - Number 1. At the very least number 2 depending on if we're out of moscato and oreos.
It seems like for every mom out there doing what she can, there's another one that's ready and waiting to tell her how she's not doing it right or how she could be better. For every mom formula feeding their child, there's another mom staring her down with her breast is best banner. For every mom trying to get the hang of having a baby attached to her nipple 97 hours a day, there's a formula/bottle mom making judgy put your boobs away eyes at her. For every parent pushing their kid and the suitcase that doubles as a diaper bag along in a stroller happily enjoying their walk through the park, there's another one nearby wearing their baby in a sling that just can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to have their baby touching them at all times. And for every proud baby wearing mom and dad out there taking selfies at the amusement park there's someone else rolling their eyes at them as they shuffle past with their stroller. I mean really what it comes down to is none of are going to have 100% of the same views on things as everyone else. We are all different, and we all parent different. Why can't we just celebrate that instead of condemn it? When did educating and empowering become tinged with judging and shaming? How about instead of making people feel bad, we go back to making people smile - and that includes everybody not just a specific target audience.
So here's my top 10 list for parents and non-parents - high fives all around if you already are doing these:
1. Quit judging other parents. We all come from different walks, have different ideals, and different situations.
2. If someone asks for advice, give it, but do it maturely and politely (and if possible humorously because everyone likes to laugh). It is not cool to down someone while "helping" them.
3. If you see a mom or dad having a hard time with their kids in public, keep your comments to yourself. They've got enough problems going on that minute without worrying about other adults being assholes too. Parents are in fact still allowed to go into the world and they can bring their kids with them, that's not reserved for the childless. Unless you're like at a bar or strip club- in which case pull that persons parenting card, they're fired. (I realize that last bit there slightly violates rule #1. But really. A bar? Extenuating circumstances aside - not okay.)
4. Don't compare your children, in numbers or qualifications. You having 4 kids does not make you more justified to be stressed than someone with 1 kid - we are all allowed to be stressed the hell out or blissfully happy together.
5. Be proud. But do it without being obnoxious.
6. Give more high fives. Give less judgy eyes.
7. Unless you're a medical professional and have training and schooling and actual education (not counting the web md research you did) on a topic - don't pretend to be an authority on medical problems. This goes back to #2 - if someone asks for advice give advice, but don't give instructions you're not qualified to give. We pay doctors hundreds of dollars to do that, might as well let them.
8. Be understanding.
9. Be nice.
10. Make people laugh. But not at someone else's expense. There's not enough laughing and smiling together these days. Let's bring that back - it can be the new duck face.
That's it guys, rant over. Have a beautiful day!