Mourning the lost years
Today was the first day that it really occurred to me 2015 had passed and we were in a new year now. Not in that "dammit I keep writing 2015 on my papers" kind of way, because if I actually wrote dates on papers anymore I'd probably still be writing 2014, because that's the last time I did anything requiring me to put a date on a piece of paper. Take that for what you will.
I was struck by how deflated I actually was realizing that another year passed, seemingly entirely too quickly. Most of it centralized around the kids and school. Making changes and adjusting to them. In some ways it seemed like such a long year and in other ways I'm still wondering what happened to all the months in between May and September... we had those months right? I feel like I have big black spots in my memory where I tried to cling to my favorite moments and somehow still missed them or let them go too easily. As a general characteristic I'm not overly sentimental, or maybe I am and just don't acknowledge it often, but a lot of things actually happened to me in 2015 that were hallmarks of sorts to me in regards to the big ways my life is changing. Family important to me moved away, friends important to me drifted away, new friends drifted in, road trips happened, chaos happened, fights happened, love happened, my sons first birthday came and went, my daughters teeth all fell out then all reemerged, realizations happened, fears were both debunked and founded, confusion happened, aging happened, and acceptance happened. Piled into some vague verbs and nouns like that, that may seem like pretty standard stuff, and I guess it was, but it is all significant to me.
I think one of the things that actually bothers me isn't necessarily the general decline of friendships, although that does tend to get me in the feels if I think about it too much, because when you keep your circle as small as I do these days, the emptiness of a space once filled does not go unnoticed or unfelt - but more than that the terrifying realization that I actually don't know what to do with myself in the future. And I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I don't really have anyone to talk to about that. I guess that may be why I felt the need to do a blog post if I'm being honest. I've got to get it out somehow. I'm not huge on admitting my fears or my troubles, particularly when I don't know who's on the receiving end of those admissions, but there is something freeing about writing a post and just putting it out there. I am not the type of person to beg someone to give me their time, I've always felt that if someone wants me in their life or wants to be in mine, there has to be a mutual attempt at communication. At this point in my life I've already had plenty of one-way relationships and I no longer have the time, patience, or lack of self-esteem to put up with that anymore - but a blog post... that's freedom. That's putting it all on a screen, I can't stop people from reading it once I put it out there, but I don't have to force anyone to listen to me either. It's a non-captive hostage of an audience. I don't have to feel bad for forcing people to listen to my rants or nonsensical tirades that often ramble in 13 different directions within a single paragraph because people can choose if they want to read or not. Whatever the reasons may be, curiosity, concern, general snooping, genuine care, it doesn't matter. I write words - people read words. It doesn't get much more freeing than that.
I wish I could feel as free in other aspects of my life. I'm constantly chained to feelings of doubt and not knowing. Regarding my career the only realization 2015 led me to was that I cannot be a teacher. I mean I can the same way I can be a damn beekeeper if I wanted to be, or wrestle alligators or clean fish poop off the bottom of sailboats, but I can't in the way that I realized, it's not what I want anymore. There was a time when it was all I wanted, and if I'd started sooner, who knows, I might be happily grading a bunch of kids poorly written book reports about the Hobbit right now instead of sitting in front of my laptop typing out a blog and listening to Curious George fuck things up for the man in the yellow hat while my son does his best to resist every synapse in his brain telling him he's tired.
The only other finite resolution the year gave me was that I don't want to be here. "Here" as in geographically located in Illinois. There are those people I would miss, there may even be some that would miss me, but overall I could leave tomorrow and not regret a single mile of distance put between me and this state. The people I would miss I feel are the types of people that would not mind making plans to have visits - and while I don't want to live here anymore I would totally come back and visit. There are some fantastic people here in this cornfield, but it's just not where I want to be anymore. The word "anymore" might be redundant, I never really wanted to be here, the things holding me here have always been people and even those are dwindling. I asked Mike where he'd want to live, I suggested somewhere where we could see mountains when we looked at the horizon. Or water, but a certain kind of water.... or rather not a certain kind of water, as in not water that's surrounding the coastal south eastern US. Have I mentioned before my distaste for Florida? I will never live there. I will go there to visit Disneyland some day... that's about it. I don't know. Ol' Illinois has just run it's course with me, and I've overstayed my not so abundant welcome. It's time to move on to new places. I don't know when that will happen though. It's not just me and my feelings taken into consideration anymore, there are kids and Mike and various other complications in this adventure with me and I don't get to just wake up and say hey let's get the eff out of here and expect everyone to follow suit. We have families and a mortgage and he's got a job here. I remember when I was a kid and we moved around it all seemed to just happen so easily, like magic. One day we lived here, the next day we were traveling to somewhere new, and a home would be waiting for us there, poof like magic. No worries. Ah youth. I'm restless here though, I feel it in every limb, and every inch of of my soul. My feet are aching to step on new ground, my eyes are demanding to see different scenery.
“Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all of one’s lifetime.” – Mark Twain
I was struck by how deflated I actually was realizing that another year passed, seemingly entirely too quickly. Most of it centralized around the kids and school. Making changes and adjusting to them. In some ways it seemed like such a long year and in other ways I'm still wondering what happened to all the months in between May and September... we had those months right? I feel like I have big black spots in my memory where I tried to cling to my favorite moments and somehow still missed them or let them go too easily. As a general characteristic I'm not overly sentimental, or maybe I am and just don't acknowledge it often, but a lot of things actually happened to me in 2015 that were hallmarks of sorts to me in regards to the big ways my life is changing. Family important to me moved away, friends important to me drifted away, new friends drifted in, road trips happened, chaos happened, fights happened, love happened, my sons first birthday came and went, my daughters teeth all fell out then all reemerged, realizations happened, fears were both debunked and founded, confusion happened, aging happened, and acceptance happened. Piled into some vague verbs and nouns like that, that may seem like pretty standard stuff, and I guess it was, but it is all significant to me.
I think one of the things that actually bothers me isn't necessarily the general decline of friendships, although that does tend to get me in the feels if I think about it too much, because when you keep your circle as small as I do these days, the emptiness of a space once filled does not go unnoticed or unfelt - but more than that the terrifying realization that I actually don't know what to do with myself in the future. And I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I don't really have anyone to talk to about that. I guess that may be why I felt the need to do a blog post if I'm being honest. I've got to get it out somehow. I'm not huge on admitting my fears or my troubles, particularly when I don't know who's on the receiving end of those admissions, but there is something freeing about writing a post and just putting it out there. I am not the type of person to beg someone to give me their time, I've always felt that if someone wants me in their life or wants to be in mine, there has to be a mutual attempt at communication. At this point in my life I've already had plenty of one-way relationships and I no longer have the time, patience, or lack of self-esteem to put up with that anymore - but a blog post... that's freedom. That's putting it all on a screen, I can't stop people from reading it once I put it out there, but I don't have to force anyone to listen to me either. It's a non-captive hostage of an audience. I don't have to feel bad for forcing people to listen to my rants or nonsensical tirades that often ramble in 13 different directions within a single paragraph because people can choose if they want to read or not. Whatever the reasons may be, curiosity, concern, general snooping, genuine care, it doesn't matter. I write words - people read words. It doesn't get much more freeing than that.
I wish I could feel as free in other aspects of my life. I'm constantly chained to feelings of doubt and not knowing. Regarding my career the only realization 2015 led me to was that I cannot be a teacher. I mean I can the same way I can be a damn beekeeper if I wanted to be, or wrestle alligators or clean fish poop off the bottom of sailboats, but I can't in the way that I realized, it's not what I want anymore. There was a time when it was all I wanted, and if I'd started sooner, who knows, I might be happily grading a bunch of kids poorly written book reports about the Hobbit right now instead of sitting in front of my laptop typing out a blog and listening to Curious George fuck things up for the man in the yellow hat while my son does his best to resist every synapse in his brain telling him he's tired.
The only other finite resolution the year gave me was that I don't want to be here. "Here" as in geographically located in Illinois. There are those people I would miss, there may even be some that would miss me, but overall I could leave tomorrow and not regret a single mile of distance put between me and this state. The people I would miss I feel are the types of people that would not mind making plans to have visits - and while I don't want to live here anymore I would totally come back and visit. There are some fantastic people here in this cornfield, but it's just not where I want to be anymore. The word "anymore" might be redundant, I never really wanted to be here, the things holding me here have always been people and even those are dwindling. I asked Mike where he'd want to live, I suggested somewhere where we could see mountains when we looked at the horizon. Or water, but a certain kind of water.... or rather not a certain kind of water, as in not water that's surrounding the coastal south eastern US. Have I mentioned before my distaste for Florida? I will never live there. I will go there to visit Disneyland some day... that's about it. I don't know. Ol' Illinois has just run it's course with me, and I've overstayed my not so abundant welcome. It's time to move on to new places. I don't know when that will happen though. It's not just me and my feelings taken into consideration anymore, there are kids and Mike and various other complications in this adventure with me and I don't get to just wake up and say hey let's get the eff out of here and expect everyone to follow suit. We have families and a mortgage and he's got a job here. I remember when I was a kid and we moved around it all seemed to just happen so easily, like magic. One day we lived here, the next day we were traveling to somewhere new, and a home would be waiting for us there, poof like magic. No worries. Ah youth. I'm restless here though, I feel it in every limb, and every inch of of my soul. My feet are aching to step on new ground, my eyes are demanding to see different scenery.
“Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all of one’s lifetime.” – Mark Twain